This just in from CNN: Gore declares election fraud while Bush claims Presidency and mobilizes disgruntled military.
By Ray Peterson, ‘62
Note: I wrote this about a week after the elections in November. Some people thought it was amusing so I'll share it with this astute audience of Tottenville alumni. I tried my best to poke fun at both sides.
Sick, thin and ragged troops loyal to George W. Bush, located mostly West of the Mississippi, have begun mobilizing artillery and ground personnel in response to a call from Bush to defend America against "those who would ignore the Constitatution(sic)".
Answering this challenge, Al Gore has ordered tanks to surround the White House and Capitol Building, saying that "the people have spoken. I brought freedom and democracy to this country and I don't think we should change that right now. Neither, I might add, does Tipper".
Military bases East of the Smokey Mountain Divide appear loyal to Gore. Seen leading a tank contingent into Washington was Hillary Clinton standing atop a turret in full combat gear waving an American flag and clutching a familiar but bloodied black beret in her hand. When a reporter shouted to her, "Where's Bill?" she only smiled and pointed down at the tank. It was not clear at this time if she meant inside or under the tank.
Mexico is bracing itself for a flood of refugees from their Northern neighbor. Mexicans are clamoring for a closed border and are urging that nuclear weapons be used to keep out the frightened masses, many of whom are still in their McDonalds and Kentucky Fried Chicken work uniforms.
Canada is less concerned because a recent poll showed that 90% of Americans don't know where Canada is located. "They'll have to find us first if they want to come here," said the Prime Minister of Canada. Always committed to accuracy in reporting, CNN is still trying to verify his name and the alleged location of his country.
Many prominent Americans are beginning to show signs of real concern. "It's a sad day for America," said Bill Gates from his private guarded compound that straddles Costa Rica and El Salvador. Actually, the compound IS Costa Rica and EL Salvador. Standing next to Gates was a beaming Jeb Bush, brother of George W, who reiterated his denial that he purposefully precipitated the crisis by shipping truckloads of ballots to Cuba. Jeb Bush, always in his older brother's shadow, pledged his loyalty to George W, but added that he was ready to present himself as an "alternative Bush if the people want law and order with dignity". He noted sardonically that his mother Barbara always liked him best but that his father ignored him because he could only remember his older brother's name. Jeb also added that he would be traveling to Argentina tomorrow to confer with "certain individuals". He would not elaborate any further.
Meanwhile, on the international front Yugoslavian officials have offered to oversee a runoff election in the U.S. "if America can find the will to stabilize itself." "Americans have no real experience in dealing with the subtleties of heavily armed and crazed voters having only fools and carnival barkers on the ballot," said a spokesman for the Yugoslavian Concerned Citizens organization.
The runoff could be a challenge even for the demanding Yugoslavians, though. A million retired citizens are protesting in Palm Beach County today complaining that in the proposed runoff election they will be expected to find a polling location, read a ballot, understand it and write the letter "X" next to their choice. "Who ever heard of such a thing? It's way too much to ask of people. Life is complicated enough," said an unidentified oldster. He did not offer an alternative when asked for one. "Maybe the Yugoslavians or Russians will have a good idea. They owe us a favor don't they?"
An ironic twist was added when ex-Prime Minister Slobodan Milosevic was seen in New York City after meeting with Mayor Rudolph Giuliani. His only comment to reporters was that the subject of "cleansing" was discussed and that the Mayor was a true patriot who saw the present troubles as a divine sign that God wanted Giuliani to make America great again.